exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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