What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
