am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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