I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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