YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
