I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
