Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
