so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
