HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
