I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
