i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
