turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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