Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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