my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
