Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize