I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
