My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
