When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
