if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
