I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
