I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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