the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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