You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
