Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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