I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
