I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
