i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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