Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
