I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You can't just leave with hair like that
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My vagina is officially offended.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
