Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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