I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
