paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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