please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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