I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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