im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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