Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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