She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize