My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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