yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
