I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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