part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
