can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
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