I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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