just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
