I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
