Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
