you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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