just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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