He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
