he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
