Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
