Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
