Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
YAS. BRING CRAB.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
try to milk me bitch
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